Half Empty, Since 1998

A discussion of birth control of all kinds.

Sex With Marnie 3: Contraception

Marnie Parrell. June 1st, 1998

She’s there, you’re bare. The lube is flowing like, well, lube when “uuuhhhhh, no I thought you brought something.” Damn! It’s raining outside and nothings open this late. Now I know what you’re thinking, “hey just this once what can it hurt? I won’t cum inside her.” Or at least you’ll try not to. Feeling lucky? Most women report feeling more carefree and experience a heightened sense of sexual arousal and lubrication at the time of ovulation (aka operation egg drop). Increased receptivity to intercourse at times of high fertility is great for survival of the species but if you don’t know her name and you’d both like to keep it that way sperm and eggs are off the menu. For tonight you might want to go with “on me, not in me” and see Sex with Marnie 2: The Handjob.

Contraception has evolved since Cleopatra (that babe rocked) and her friends inserted suppositories of crocodile dung as barriers to conception. And you thought latex smelled bad. Your present contraceptive choices also keep sperm and egg apart either by restraining the sperm with a barrier, disabling it with a spermicide or manipulation of female sex hormones to prevent fertilization. Considering the impact our reproductive choices can have on our lives, present contraceptive research is pretty meager, limited to variations on existing themes such as new IUD’s or unique ways to insert spermicides or hormones.

Not to be overlooked is the burning, or should I say the burning, itching, oozing scaling question of STD protection. HIV is the new bad boy on the block but let us not forget gonorrhea, syphilis, crabs, lice, herpes, chlamydia & genital warts to name a few hall-of-famers. STD’s are passed more easily from men to women than visa versa. If you are in a non-exclusive sexual relationship, assume everyone’s STD status is positive and protect yourself accordingly. Condoms made from lamb entrails (is anyone else turned on) have larger holes on a microscopic level, too small to let sperm through but big like a hole in the ozone for venereal microbes. If you are allergic to latex (try new polyurethane brands) or you prefer to cum in guts consider adding a spermicide which may provide some extra STD protection (it does in a test tube but no one is sure what it does if you’re not fucking in a test tube).

Lets review, your first two priorities are 1) keep sperm from egg and 2) no cootie exchange. Other factors to take into account are possible side effects, long term reproductive consequences (you may actually want the stick to turn pink someday), accessibility, ease of use, cost, taste and smell. The key to contraceptive success is consistent and proper use which means you need to pick a method that you and your partner (if applicable) are comfortable with and committed to.

Barrier methods are exactly that, a barrier between sperm and egg. Condoms and spermicides are available without a prescription and have no permanent effect on fertility. A great gift for that someone who gets it on the go. As well, they provide good STD protection (as good as this gets, no method provides 100% reproduction or transmission protection). Unlike the condom, spermicides provide a chemical but not a physical barrier to sperm and when used alone have a high failure rate (color her pregnant). Surfactants in the spermicide dissolve the fatty components in the sperm’s protective covering sending it to spermy heaven. Spermicides are available in a variety of forms and all spermicides need some time to get it up and disperse. After about an hour they are no longer effective so remember to read the package and wait accordingly. If you are cuming up to the one hour mark or you are having sex again, reapply.

Natural methods of birth control, also known as fertility awareness methods, rely on consistent and accurate charting of the female reproductive cycle. Fluctuations in basal body temperature (increases around ovulation), consistency and volume of vaginal mucus (ditto), and guestimations of ovulation based on charting of previous cycles are all used to determine which cycle days are fertile making unprotected penis/vagina contact strictly verboten and which are contraceptive free zones. It’s like a monthly science experiment. If you are in a sexually non-monogamous relationship, don’t try this at home unless you read unprotected sex as unprotected re:pregnancy and not STDs. This method has a very high failure rate which is why it works best in addition to other forms of birth control. However, it is a splendid way of getting in tune with the groove of the female in your life.

The female condom is relatively new and not widely available but can be found in most large drug stores. A thin, colorless flexible tube of polyurethane, the female condom looks like a stretched out version of the male condom except for the soft rings on each end that hold it in place. Once properly inserted the outer ring and about an inch of tube will protrude from the vagina and the inner ring will be hooked around the pubic bone (check for internal twisting). Since they’ve included a lubricant in the package the previously distracting crinkly squish squish sounds have greatly diminished but xtra lube in the form of spermicidal cream or jelly gives more glide to the ride. The outer ring should be held in place when inserting the penis to ensure it does not wind up outside of the condom. Practice is required to for proper insertion and practice condoms should not be used again. Like the male love glove the baggy for babes is designed to be used once and then thrown away.

Depo Provera, Norplant, oral contraceptives, IUDs, diaphragms & cervical caps all require a doctors prescription and/or fittings and demos. These techniques fail to provide any STD protection and through altering thickness of vaginal walls and mucus may make women more susceptible (especially the first 4). The first four are also very invasive techniques with their own unique and disturbing side effects and long term reproductive consequences. It is buyer beware at its best, inform yourself.

Hey, its no sin (well o.k. technically it is but who’s counting), you’re just looking for some action and no permanent commitment or consequences, so protect yourself, protect your partner and let that slow sweet release begin.