Half Empty, Since 1998

Since I don’t have a tape deck or CD player in my car, I am forced to listen to pop music on the radio all day long. As a result, I find myself enjoying songs by artists I can’t stand. As a result of this cognitive dissonance, I’ve written my own song … a parody.

Dear Alanis…

Dana J. Robinson. March 9th, 1999

Dear Natalie,
You are so hot.
You are a little lass from down under and
your song about being torn
really spoke to me because I had been recently ripped to shreds myself.
And unfortunately
the rest of your career
is kinda crummy
and I’m sorry to be the one to have to tell you.

Dear Aaliyah,
When will you grow up?
And do you really have a whole album on the market right now?
I heard that one song about
being goody goody and naughty naughty on the radio one day while I was driving
and I thought it rather catchy
but then that baby coo
just pissed me off
and so now I still hate you except for this one song despite the baby.

Dear Alanis,
This song’s for you.
I’ve never really liked your stuff much at all
but then you wrote and sang “Unsent”
and now I want to shoot myself for liking it as much as I do.
And I know that’s not healthy
but sometimes I can’t help it
and you should

walk around knowing you killed
me with your music.

Dear Meredith,
You’ve been a bitch.
You were also a mother a lover a tease a goddess
and you were on your knees
and I’ve found myself in all those places
at one time or another
so I wanted to commend you for speaking to me
but now I’m asking you
if you could please
just shut up now?
Thanks.

Dear Dave,
You, your band and your fans

are a bunch of hippies and I hate hippies
(but moreover I hate hippie-wannabes and you’ve got lots of those, too)
but then you sang that one song about
crashing into me and
I took it personally
and now it makes my cry when I hear it
and so I give you credit for that
but for nothing else
you’ve done in the past or will ever do in the future.