Half Empty, Since 1998

Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama & Lola helps put the gimmick to rest. Part 3 of Robert Towell’s Bowling series, "It Wouldn’t Kill You To Stop."

The Final Nightmare

Robert Towell. September 22nd, 2001
Bowling Hero

1. The First Nail In Bowling’s Filthy Stinky Second Hand Coffin

Wherein the birth of bowling as art in Toronto was born unto us via the gutter some time ago at the hands of a then 16-year old bright-eyed boy and worked its way like a tequila worm caterpillar this September 8th at the Lola Launch.

What kind of whore am I to do all this, to act like some go-bot Moses of the bowling world, musing the sycophantic ex-strippers who bowled with them, down there in the beastly underworld. I’ve retired to golf shirts and strong Martinis poolside in Hades.

Rarely it seems, bowling is an excepted past times. Now there are exceptions. I will run over a few in further columns, particularly when I finish my other assignment, and the next columns feature, (an extensive review of b-movie Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama Comedy, 1987).

If you dare venture to Avenue Road and buy this video, wherever you find it, and see how easily mislead the youth of the world is, in this the bowling uglies, these sexy sluts will definitely colour you dirty. Not a good flick for a first date, but what bowling movie is? What is it about bowling that is so impotent, sexless.

2. Why The Gimmick Must Die & Why I Don’t Give A Fuck

In a recent issue of Playboy they had the girls out bowling mostly naked, but this to mean is just so deliberate and unreal. Even that fucking video by Soul Decision "GRAVITY" with their fucking bowling sex glam I’m so fucking cute I can go bowling and get laid by mid-twenties hotties, ah fuck yourself. You little fucking assholes couldn’t get laid playing baseball in a dirty cheerleaders in heat theme rave, so give it up.

Fame, also known to some lucky Torontonians as Tabitha Kane, who decked herself up good and dirty for the Lola bowling show said in a recent park interview that bowling was ‘a lesbian sport’ whatever that means.

When she said this it reminding me of my summer a few years back trying to recruit a master race of Lesbians to re-invent and take over the sports entertainment world. Of course it also reminded me of Naked Lesbian Athletes Play XXX Bowling: The Lola Launch proved that under the right light, in the least amount of clothing, perfumed in a mockish reducible of mutual respect, without the vile scent of discount shoes re-sentenced to feet, the dirty cheese dispensing breath of refried beans and poor quality cola machines, second hand lung-gun smoke, the dire balding entering and re-entering washrooms and alleys with their toothless worry and philosophy, the whining train whistle pitched cries of malnourished preemies in thirty-second diapers filling over into the fault line – bowling is okay.

3. Play With Your Balls

# 17 in the charts at FREE ARCADE. Leave me alone. Conquer your own worn out life. What else can I tell you? Read real articles I’ve written?

4. Lost In The Eighties Where The Devil Ball Fucko Sport Belongs

So yeah, I don’t know what to say. Order my crappy bowling films. This will be the first year I don’t have one at Canzine, maybe this is a good thing. If I could have made a movie over again, like they made Planet of the Apes, Psycho, I would make this one, but with Sarah Polly, Heather Graham, that girl from Josie and the Pussy Cats and Christina Ricci. Maybe Parker Posey as well.

5. The Trial (or The Great Rock & Bowl Swindle)

THURSDAY APRIL 6, 2000 TORONTO, CANADA. It started at 10:00. At 10:15 I was asked to leave for I was a key witness for the defense.

I didn’t go on the stand until 3:00 pm. I hadn’t spoken to anyone and was not informed until after my testimony that Mr. X had told the court the whole incident revolved around him being so drunk he thought the guy he hit was his bowling nemesis Dragan.

Not a word of a lie. Well, he was lying, but he did say it in court. So I go up there, lucid and clear and not mentioning bowling and then sent away. As I’m driving home the phone wrings and so we find out that Mr. X is found guilty of assault. (3 months house arrest)

The judge says to Mr. X "I would have believed you and sided with you except for your dumb and stupid bowling story which I didn’t believe for a minute." Scooby Doo ending, yes. Trade mark infringement? And I would have gotten away with it if it wasn’t for bowling…. Grounds Keeper Willy. Unreal.

6. Life After Bowling / Bowling After Life

Was it all a bad b-movie? Maybe. Maybe if you are in the Toronto area, and you have a decent lawyer or psychiatrist, you can start a support group and contact the Jesus of bowling, take him for coffee, he will sit you down ever so slowly and begin the story. Like in Young Guns II.


It Wouldn’t Kill You To Stop

  1. Bending The Medium
  2. It’s No Gimmick: Interview with Bowling For Soup
  3. The Final Nightmare